Here I sit in my bed, all comfy cozy with the worship music playing & I notice it's 11:11pm. Better make a wish!
A majority of my blog posts consist of "I"m a horrible blogger." "I never blog." Blah Blah Blah. Well, you see, I blog. But on different blogs. I tried tumblr for a while. And I privately blog on livejournal. But this blog, is one I've had for a long time. I get such a kick reading old posts. Anyway, that's not what this post is about. I thought about posting something like this at the end of the year, but I've decided to post it now. It'll probably take me a while to write. And if anyone reads it, a while to read it. But I feel like I need to write it. Not really for anyone in particular to read, but just simply for me to write it and express it.
2010 has been one heck of a year. To be quite honest, it's been pretty rough.
This has been one of the hardest years ever & I've "lost" (in more ways then one) more people then I would of liked.
I'm going to be honest in this blog. And I'm going to start at the beginning.
When the clock struck midnight on January 1st, I was worshipping with my favorite people in the world... underone<3
That was the perfect way to start of a year. To move ahead, one of my new friends, Stephanie Shaft, moved to Illinois. Now, I was sad about this move but knew it was going to be so exciting for her & her husband to start a new position at a church in IL. I helped pack up the moving truck & said "see ya later." We've kept in touch & are still great friends. Even though most of the time I hate not having her here.
Now jumping ahead... mid-March my grandma's health took a turn for the worse. She always had up & down times but this one was heading especially down. The weekend of March 26, my grandma had been taking some extra medicine that made her extremely loopy & very confused. I wasn't around much that weekend but when I was, it was hard to hold a conversation with her. On Saturday, the 27th, one of the last things she said to me (and later to find out one of the last coherent things to be said) was "Why, hello beautiful!" The next morning, I woke up to start getting ready for church & my dad came in to say someone from hospice was coming by because grandma was not doing well. I was getting ready to walk out the door and my dad said, "you need to go say bye to her." I had no idea what this was going to begin... a horrible week. I had no idea my grandma was *that* bad. So, there I went, to say bye & give a kiss to my grandma. She barely even responded. I walked out of the room crying. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Did I just say good-bye? I went to church, found Brian & told him what was going on. Kristen got Sue for me & I just cried to her. I didn't know if I had said good-bye to my grandma that morning but I couldn't be at home. I needed to be at church. Later would I find out the next 2 1/2 days would be spent by her bedside. My aunts, cousins & other family came and went over the course of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. Every day, I would go to school if I had to and any other time was spent in my grandma's place. (She lived with us, in an attachment of our house, for those of you who don't know.) My grandma was very unresponsive the last few days. At one time she did tell me she loved me & the other thing I remember is her calling me beautiful. That's something I cling to. Anyway, I spent hours upon hours by her bedside, holding her hand or just talking to her with my family. The Hospice people were great. Always available to us & very compassionate. Wednesday, March 31 was a day that changed my life. My family's lives. We knew my grandma was going to go any day, we just didn't know when. I had class that day & my parents said I could & should go. I got to school & wasn't there even 15 minutes before my brother sent me a text that said I needed to come home. He said everything was fine but I needed to come home. So, I gathered my things & headed home. It was a 20 minute drive so I just prayed. I arrived home, went to set my things in my room & my mom stopped me. She said that my grandma was gone. I looked at my brother and he just starred back. I walked into the back, took one look at her & to see her so still. She wasn't here any more. She was free & healed! I sat and sobbed at her side for a few minutes. My dad sat beside me and comforted me. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. All I could think was "I never should of went to school!" I felt so guilty for leaving. I was quick to be told not to think that because we didn't know. But, to this day, I still say I never should of gone. But, I guess it all worked out in God's plan. I think I would of been way more upset if I had been here. But still, I feel guilty. Anyway, very shortly after James & Patrick came over just to be with Brian & I. I was so thankful that they came by. Even though they had to see me in such a weak state, I knew I could count on them to just be there to comfort us. The rest of the day passed quickly. But not the next few days. I'm going to leave out the family drama. But my (extended) family made it a nightmare to plan the funeral. One of my aunt's had a lot of regrets & anger and she made it a complete nightmare for us. Something that was already painful enough, was made even worse. Anyway, Friday was the viewing & Saturday was the funeral. I had never felt so loved in my entire life. So many facebook posts, tweets, phone calls, text messages & kind words and love were shown to my family. I couldn't even believe it but I was so thankful. We buried my grandma on April 3rd. It was Easter weekend & now, Easter will be a specifically rough holiday. Having to lose my grandma was one of the hardest things of my life. She was my only grandparent left & she's lived with us since I was 3 or 4. It's been extremely hard to deal with this. Thankfully, I have a God who has given me healing & peace. I have family & friends who have been amazing to me. So many people have allowed me to share stories & shed tears & I am so thankful. More tears are to be shed & I thank you all in advance :) My grandma died on a Wednesday. So Wednesday after Wednesday was just another reminder. Wednesdays went from being my favorite day of the week to one of the worst days. I always remembered the date. I always remembered it was Wednesday. It took a long time for me to not think about that first thing in the morning. It still hits me, but usually later in the day and I don't get as sad. I know my grandma is better now. But I miss her with every fiber in me. There's been a lot of firsts this year... Just a month after her death, I had to celebrate my 19th birthday without her. Yet another first. But, I once again, have amazing family & friends who made me feel so loved.
Just after my birthday, April 28th, I got more 'life-shaking" news. I found out that come mid-June, 2 of my best friends (plus 3 amazing kiddos) would be leaving Michigan. James & Holly were being called back to Texas to join a worship ministry, Sole Desire. Now, when I heard the news & heard what they were doing I thought how amazing it was and how perfect it fit them. But most of me was wondering why? Why now? Just a month ago I had to say good-bye to my grandma and now I'm going to have to move on & live life without the Browns' here? I was never angry at God. Just SO confused. I didn't know how in the world I was going to continue on. But, God once again blessed me with his peace & strength. This has been a year full of God's peace & strength. From the time I was told that James & Holly would be leaving, we had 2 months left with them. So I had to look on the bright side of that. Many more tears were shed over the next few months however. So many "lasts" were taking place now... last time I would do worship with James, last time to hear James speak, last time to spend alone time with Holly, last time to play with the kids. The list goes on. But, I knew all of these "lasts" were only temporary and they were not indefinite. It was never good-bye, just see you soon. Often I thought, how can my life be so awesome but suck so bad. That's really how I felt.
I understand God calls people places. I realize that's a part of ministry. I've been through it once before. But there is nothing that could fully prepare me for this. You have to understand, a huge part of my life was being removed, physically. Yes, James & Holly are still a huge part of my life & we still have a friendship despite the distance. But, so much has changed & they were a huge impact on my life. It was hard for me to see God's plan in the big picture. I know James & Holly followed God's plan. Them stepping out in obedience and leaving actually encouraged me. I so badly wanted to have that courage! That when God says, Go, I want to be able to go. I really felt that I needed to run harder. I still do.
So, we're only at June & at this point I feel I've cried more tears this year then I ever have.
The summer continued on... I was still involved in UO and Patrick was doing a great job of leading us. In September we got new youth pastors, Bryan & Brittany. (Weird, right? Hah. But funny!) It's been different, there's been changes, but God has a plan. I've had a hard time with change lately. I wish I could say it's been great but for me personally, it's been hard & I'm just not ready yet. Partly because my heart isn't healed yet. Something that has been my life for years and years, is changing. And quite frankly, I just don't know how to deal with it sometimes. But prayer is the key. Underone will always have a special place in my heart, no matter where I am.
It's now November. A couple of weeks ago, one of my co-workers was killed in a tragic car accident. But God has given me a peace. I'm sad, but God is my strength.
God. Prayer. Peace. Strength. Comfort. Family. Friends. These are what have helped me though. I've learned the power of Prayer. Ask, and you shall receive.
This year. I've lost a lot of people. People who are so dear to my heart. For the people that have moved, I'm realizing how much it sucks to "watch life" from a distance. It literally hurts my heart. But God has a plan.
A long time ago, God started changing my heart. In a few ways that I can't fully explain. But I know it's God.
This has been a very confusing year and season. It's been a hurtful season. It's been a rough season. It's been discouraging & very trying. But, I need a healing season. God is my healer. It's in Him that I'll find my healing. My healing has started, but it's not finished. There's this song, Healing Is In Your Hands. It's currently one of my favorite songs. It just talks about God's healing & it defines my life. "Come rest in me & be made whole." (My Beloved) by Kari Jobe)--- those words just played on iTunes. So true. I'm so thankful that God is so much bigger than my situation. My heart, still feels very broken and wounded. Like I said, it's healing. But it's not finished yet.
I'm usually a very positive, happy person. But if you look at my twitter this year, you'll see a lot of confusion, negative, and hurt. And that's a reason I wrote this. I need you if you're reading this, I need people to realize... I've had a rough year. I've dealt with way too many losses. I've dealt with way too much change. Usually, I can handle change. Not so much these days.
I won't lie. I wish I could just go back to the way things used to be. The things that were familiar and comfortable. But, God hasn't called us to be comfortable. I was talking with my dad the other day and he said "Seasons come, seasons go. And I'm not talking about the weather." I loved that and he's so right. I'm coming to realize, some seasons of my life have come to an end or, are coming to an end. But, God has a new season in store for me. It is so scary for me to think the things that seasons that have been a huge part of my life for so long, are coming to end. A chapter is finishing. But, I'm so ready to start a new chapter. I'm ready to see what God has for the next chapter, the next part of the story.
I'm sure I will look back and see that this difficult season will have some kind of positive impact. One day.
I ask, that if you've read this. Whether you read the whole thing or just a part of it. That you would join me in prayer.
I just need God's direction and healing.
I thank you if you've read this. If you have something to say, say it.
Don't judge me. Don't talk about me. Tell me.
Now, I must say, I never could of went through this without having a relationship with God. I've had such a hard time feeling broken and feeling weak. But I've been often reminded that it's in our weakness and vulnerability that we show strength. It's okay to be real.
God is shaping me.
I'm learning from all of this.
Thank you friends. For always being there for me.
Thank you, for allowing me to share my heart.
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